On my heart

Quite a bit has been on my heart lately and I guess it's time I share with the blogging world. I'm sitting here monitoring a test for my residents, so I'm out of my office, done with all my paperwork, and just sitting in silence, thinking. I decided it was as good a time as any to get my thoughts out.

The past 2- 2 1/2 weeks have been a definite roller coaster of emotions. Still is a roller coaster, if I'm honest. Here's the story. Jarred and I have been trying to get pregnant since August 2009. It's been a long road but for the most part, up until recently, I feel like I've been handling it pretty well. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit but I've tried to stay upbeat and positive about everything and to me I've done well. Maybe you should ask Jarred- he may not agree. HA! Anyways, I've had trouble with my cycle being normal- Back when we started I was doing triathlons, then training for a half marathon and it was killing my cycle. SO, after I suffered a stress fracture at the end of January 2010 (just before the half marathon in March) I decided to stop training so hard. Unfortunately, I got pretty down about not being able to do the half marathon and literally stopped doing all forms of exercise all together (I DON'T recommend this). Basically, I was wasting away (aka- getting FAT) and I was miserable but I was telling myself that I wasn't going to do anything b/c my cycle was starting to become more normal and I thought any exercise would mess me up- plus since my cycle was normal again I thought I'd just get pregnant pretty quick, have the baby, then start back to exercising. Well, as you probably guessed, that didn't happen. Not only was I not getting pregnant, I was not doing ANYTHING for my health! So, I had an apiphany (sp??) in about August or September of last year (yes, it's ridiculous that it took me that long to come back to reality) that I wasn't going to just stop living and only wait to get pregnant. It's ridiculous! It's miserable and not worth it at all. I was only focusing on getting pregnant but not taking care of myself at all. So...around September of 2010 I started doing better. I decided to try to eat right, to exercise some (not too much though, b/c I was still worried about my cycle), and just try to be more content with where we were along the journey. I have to say that it did help some but in October we decided to start doing the ovulation kits (hadn't started them earlier b/c Jarred and I both thought it would just add more stress). Well, the ovulation kits didn't seem to be working but we decided to keep using them b/c since my cycle is so weird they did help to figure out when I was ovulating (or so I thought). Well, by December of last year we still hadn't had any luck, Jarred was going to be traveling quite a bit during December and we decided to stop the ovulation kits. I was feeling like I was in a much better place with my attitude and knowing that God was in control and that whatever his timing is would be/will be MUCH better than anything that I can dream up. So, we stopped the ovulation kits. I did a "work-up" for the doctor in December, which just means, lots of blood work to tests ovaries, ovulation, etc and an HSG test, which I do NOT recommend but it shoots a dye through your falopian tubes to see if you have a blockage. Well, everything came back normal except for the ovulation tests. Basically my levels were so low they thought I wasn't ovulating. By the end of the month the doctor decided to have Jarred and I come in on January 7th to discuss clomid (sp??). This drug increases your ovulation. Well, I had really been wondering if the doctors were right. They were telling me that I probably wasn't ovulating and since we had done the ovulation kits prior I was confused. The ovulation kits gave me a positive sign that I was ovulating every month, now it wasn't the same time every month, like it is for some but I was at least getting a positive sign. So, when we arrived at our appointment on the 7th of January I told the nurse everything I was thinking and that I still hadn't started my period but that it was normal b/c my cycle is sometimes REALLY long. She seemed a little confused but asked when my last period was...I told her it was November 29th. She asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test and I told her I had the week before but it was negative. She said well, it's probably still negative but just in case, let's take another while you're here. WELL...turns out that was my first POSITIVE pregnancy test ever! So, the doctor, who thinks she's coming in to talk to me about how I'm not ovulating and to discuss options regarding clomid, comes in to find that I've just had a positive pregnancy test. Luckily, Jarred was with me at this appointment and since I was in so much shock (crying hysterically, couldn't talk, etc.) he asked all the questions to the doctor. How did she get pregnant if she's not ovulating? Are you sure this is a positive pregnancy test? We've never seen one of those before so can you just MAKE SURE it's positive before you go getting my wife's hopes up?? Etc. Etc. Well, apparently the test they took to check my ovulation was done too early in my cycle (since, once again, my cycle is so weird) and my levels weren't where they normally are for normal people. Surprise! I'm not normal! Well, anyways, she reassures us, YES, you did get pregnant! You are 100% pregnant! Enjoy this time!!! Then she tacks on, but I want you to be cautiously optimistic b/c anything can happen! Well, we leave estactic and as we leave we schedule the appointment for our first ultrasound to see our baby- Monday, January 24th!

Well, lots of things have happened since the HIGH of finding out we were pregnant. We went on a cruise with my family over the weekend of the 15-16 of January and we decided to go ahead and tell them then. We knew it was early but all I could think was nothings going to happen, we've been waiting so long for this to happen, God wouldn't let anything happen now!!! So, we told my family! The cruise ended on Monday, January 17th and unfortunately that's the same day I lost the baby. I started bleeding almost immediately when we landed in Galveston and throughout that entire week (last week) I cramped and bled. It was AWFUL. We went from being on the highest of highs to now what feels like the lowest of lows. I have struggled to figure out why this happened. I still don't really know and I guess I never will.

Jarred and I feel EXTREMELY loved. Our family, church family, friends, etc have just surrounded us with meals, cards, phone calls, texts, etc. You name it we've received it. It's something that's so hard for me to accept too. Especially the meals. Basically, I'm learning that one way of serving is actually letting people serve you. It's very humbling.

Throughout the last week I have been through every emotion imaginable. I feel very blessed that we were able to get pregnant! What a blessing!!! I mean, two weeks ago we weren't really sure that was possible and now we know it is! And we didn't have to use any medicines or anything, so YES, it's a great blessing. That is what I'm trying to focus on. I think that's been the hardest part for me, focusing on the blessing rather than the loss. I know that lots of people go through miscarriages and I feel lucky to have never heard a heartbeat or seen an ultrasound but I'm still having a hard time with this! I guess I will for a while. Jarred keeps telling me it's normal to grieve, I just don't want to be in this valley anymore!

Here are the positives (I think I need to do this)
1. WE CAN GET PREGNANT!
2. WE ARE BEYOND BLESSED WITH SUPPORT
3. JARRED AND I HAVE GROWN SO MUCH AS A COUPLE THROUGH THIS PROCESS
4. WE ONLY HAVE TO WAIT TO TRY AGAIN UNTIL MY PERIOD COMES (2 - 6 WEEKS)
5. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER HAS A WONDERFUL PLAN FOR OUR LIVES, ALL WE NEED TO DO IS TRUST IN HIM.

I'm not sure what else to say. I guess, just pray for our family right now. Pray that my period will come sooner rather than later. Pray for a successful pregnancy. Pray for us to TRUST in Our Savior!

With Love-
Jennifer